I want to rip at my skin.  I want dig my nails into my neck.  I want to scream.  I want to write all the hurtful things you’ve done to me/said to me on my body.  I want you to watch me bleed.

But don’t worry.  I won’t.

All I did was pick up my video camera.  All I did was rewind to the beginning of the tape.  All I did was press play.  All I did was turn up the volume.  All I did was get a glimpse into that summer.

Then it stopped being harmless.

I remember that day.  It was August in the summer before my Senior year.  My hair was short, my skin was tan, and I was happy.  My friend and I were leading music for vacation bible school at my church.  The smile on my face was genuine.  I had my best friend by my side in the summer months in the comfort of my high school years and, best of all, I knew I was going to see him later.

Him.  One of the worst guys I’ve ever met.  He’s hurt me more than anyone else.  But you know what?  I thought I loved him.  I did love him.  But he never deserved it.

What is killing me now is that when I look at this tape, I realize how much has changed.  I barely talk to that girl anymore and, to be honest, I don’t know if I want to.  That boy has become someone I wish I could forget entirely.  I don’t think I’ll ever be as pretty as I was that summer.

I just miss it all so much.  That was before anything got too bad.  It was before I had so many girls hating me.  It was when all I had done was kiss.  It was when I had friends.  It was when I had consistency in my life.

I want to be that girl in the video again.  I want to re-do my senior year.  I don’t regret anything that happened, really, merely because I hate regret.  But I would just like the chance to try it again.

Whatever.

I just started crying.  I just started second-guessing everything.  I don’t know why.

And I realized, there is not one single person that I have to call.  Yes, I know there are people that would listen to me, but I don’t have a person that I want to go to.

Laying on the ground, sobbing with no sound coming out, mascara running down my face.  Alone.  Always alone.

I think I want to quit my job.  I’m seriously considering it.  We have so many rules about how we have to look at work and it’s actually starting to make me pretty sad…

I work at Gilly Hicks.  It’s a division of the Abercrombie brand, if you don’t know what it is.  All of their stores have a “look policy”.  This policy says that we can’t wear makeup, we can’t wear nail polish or have fake nails, no styled hair, no unnatural colors in your hair, and at my store we have to wear a specific outfit.  All these rules are starting to upset me.  Right now, I’m making a list in my head of all the things I would do while on my Thanksgiving to January second break that is coming up.

I would:

• Get Christmas-ey gel nails.
• Dye the underside of my hair purple, or maybe red for Christmas.
• Learn cool new ways to do my makeup.

But, if I quit now, my mom will be so disappointed in me…  It’s not that I don’t want to have a job.  It’s that I don’t want to have a job with as many rules as my work has.

I have no idea what to do… All I know is that I’m not really happy with my work anymore.

I brought my computer to rehearsal so that I could do my annotated bibliography for English 125. Yeah, I’m not doing that right now.

So, today is our tech view rehearsal for Guys & Dolls, which means it’s the first time that we have more people watching than just the rest of the cast that’s not onstage. It also means that a boy that’s on crew that I was not aware is on crew is here.  He’s a cute boy, I’ll give him that, but he’s not my favorite person in the whole entire world right now.  I guess I shouldn’t hold his actions - or lack thereof - against him.  I mean he has a decent reason for never hanging out with me again after our very successful date that we had during Week 2 of school.

He’s this really adorable boy from Kansas.  He’s really sweet.  He is also the busiest person I’ve ever met.  He has so many rehearsals and classes and commitmentcommitmentcommitments that he has no time for anyone unless they’re involved in these things that he spends his time doing.  But, during Week 2, before he or I knew exactly how busy he would be, he asked me out and I said yes.  We went to dinner.  We went back to his dorm.  He asked me to stay the night.  If I didn’t have work, I would have.  But I stayed until late and whatever happened, happened.  I don’t regret it, but I do wish that I would have know before we went out just how little I would see of him afterwards.

We are now in Week 7 of school and I’ve only seen him outside of Music Theory three times.  Once we walked past each other on the sidewalk, once he was eating alone at the same place I was getting food from, and then there was last night.  Last night was “Ghost Night” in Pfeiffer Hall (actually, where I am right now) and we were both there separately.  I was there with people from rehearsal because it ended right before Ghost Night started and he was there with a girl.  A girl who was holding his hand.  A girl who kept scratching his back.  A girl who was practically on top of him all night.

Oh, you’re too busy for girls?  That’s nice.  Oh, you never text me?  That’s nice.  Oh, you flirt with me quite obviously every day we’re in class together and you touch my back and catch my eye in the middle of class even when I’m trying to avoid you?  That’s nice.

I also like that you’re on your phone right now but you haven’t even texted me about the damn dance number I just performed that just kicked my ass, not even to make fun of me.